UNMENTIONABLY DREADFUL PUNS

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The roundest knight at King Arthur's round table was Sir Cumference. He acquired his size from too much pi.

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I thought I saw an eye doctor on an Alaskan island, but it turned out to be an optical Aleutian .

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She was only a whiskey maker, but he loved her still.

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A rubber band pistol was confiscated from algebra class because it was a weapon of math disruption.

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The butcher backed into the meat grinder and got a little behind in his work.

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No matter how much you push the envelope, it'll still be stationery.

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A dog gave birth to puppies near the road and was cited for littering.

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A grenade thrown into a kitchen in France would result in Linoleum Blownapart.

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Two silk worms had a race. They ended up in a tie.

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Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.

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A hole has been found in the nudist camp wall. The police are looking into it.

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Atheism is a non-prophet organization.

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Two hats were hanging on a hat rack in the hallway. One hat said to the other, You stay here; I'll go on a head.

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I wondered why the baseball kept getting bigger. Then it hit me.

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A sign on the lawn at a drug rehab centre said: 'Keep off the Grass.'

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A small boy swallowed some coins and was taken to a hospital. When his grandmother telephoned to ask how he was, a nurse said, 'No change yet.'

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A chicken crossing the road is poultry in motion.

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Two ducks were crossing the road in Belfast.  One looked back at the other and said Quack, quack”.  The other said “Ah cain't goo any quacker”. 

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It's not that the man did not know how to juggle, he just didn't have the balls to do it.

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The short fortune-teller who escaped from prison was a small medium at large.

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The man who survived mustard gas and pepper spray is now a seasoned veteran.

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A backward poet writes inverse.

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In democracy it's your vote that counts. In feudalism it's your count that votes.

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When cannibals ate a missionary, they got a taste of religion.

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Don't join dangerous cults: Practice safe sects!

 
 
 

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Thanks Barry O'Neill

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