“The cardiologist's diet: If it tastes good ... spit it out.“

Unknown

“I once had a rose named after me and I was very flattered. But I was not pleased to read the description in the catalogue: ‘No good in a bed, but fine up against a wall’  ". 

Eleanor Roosevelt

“The secret of a good sermon is to have a good beginning, and a good ending; and have the two as close together as possible.” 

George Burns

“Santa Claus has the right idea ... visit people only once a year.”

Victor Borge

“Be careful about reading health books. You may die of a misprint.”

Mark Twain

“What would men be without women? Scarce, sir, mighty scarce.”

Mark Twain

“My wife is a sex object. Every time I ask for sex, she objects.”

Les Dawson

“By all means marry. If you get a good wife, you'll become happy; if you get a bad one, you'll become a philosopher

Socrates

“I was married by a judge. I should have asked for a jury.”

Groucho Marx

“My wife has a slight impediment in her speech. Every now and then she stops to breathe.” 

Jimmy Durante

“The male is a domestic animal which, if treated with firmness and kindness, can be trained to do most things.” 

Jilly Cooper

“I never hated a man enough to give his diamonds back.” 

“I was always a good housekeeper.  Whenever I divorced I always kept the house.” 

Zsa Zsa Gabor

“Only Irish coffee provides, in a single glass, all four essential food groups: alcohol, caffeine, sugar, and fat.” 

Alex Levine

“My luck is so bad that if I bought a cemetery, people would stop dying.” 

Ed Furgol

“Money can't buy you happiness, but it does bring you a more pleasant form of misery.” 

Spike Milligan

“I am opposed to millionaires, but it would be dangerous to offer me the position.”

Mark Twain

“Youth would be an ideal state if it came a little later in life.”

Herbert Henry Asquith

“I don't feel old. I don't feel anything until noon. Then it's time for my nap.” 

Bob Hope

“A woman drove me to drink ... and I hadn't even the courtesy to thank her.” 

W C Fields

“It takes only one drink to get me drunk. The trouble is, I can't remember if it's the thirteenth, or the fourteenth.” 

George Burns

“We could certainly slow the aging process down if it had to work its way through Congress.” 

Unknown

“Don't worry about avoiding temptation... As you grow older, it will avoid you.” 

Unknown

Doctor to patient: “I have good news and bad news. The good news is that you are not a hypochondriac.” 

Unknown

“By the time a man is wise enough to watch his step, he's too old to go anywhere.” 

Unknown