PLAYING IT SAFE
A man in his 40's bought a new BMW and was out driving on the interstate at top speed when he suddenly saw flashing red and blue lights behind him.
"There's no way they can catch a BMW," he thought to himself and sped up even more. Then the reality of the situation hit him, "What the heck am I doing?" he thought and pulled over.
The cop came up to him, took his license without a word, and examined it and the car. "It's been a long day, it is the end of my shift, and it's Friday the 13th. I don't feel like more paperwork, so if you can give me an excuse for your driving that I haven't heard before, you can go."
The guy thinks for a second and says, "Last week my wife ran off with a cop. I was afraid you were trying to give her back."
"Have a nice weekend," said the officer.
Mrs. O'Donovan was walking down the main street of Dublin, and coming in the opposite direction was Father O'Rafferty.
"Hello," said the Father, "and how is Mrs. O'Donovan? Didn't I marry you two years ago?"
She replied, "You did that, Father."
"And are there any little ones yet?" "No, not yet, Father," said she.
"Well now, I'm going to Rome next week, and I'll be glad to light a candle for you."
"Thank -you, Father." And away she went.
Some years later they met again.
"Well now, Mrs. O'Donovan," said the Father, "how are you?"
"Oh, very well ," she said.
"And tell me ," he said, "Have you any little ones yet?"
"Oh yes, Father. I've had three sets of twins and four singles, ten in all."
"Now isn't that wonderful," he said, " And how is your lovely husband?"
"Oh," she said, " He's gone to Rome to blow out your damn candle."
An 85 year old man is at the doc's having his annual checkup. The doctor asks him how he's feeling. "Never better!" he replies. "I've got an eighteen year old bride who's pregnant with my child! What do you think about that?"
The doctor considers this for a moment, then says, "Well, let me tell you a story...
I know a guy who's an avid hunter. He never misses a season. But one day he's in a bit of a hurry and he accidentally grabs his umbrella instead of his gun.
So he's walking in the woods near a creek and suddenly spots a beaver in some brush in front of him! He raises up his umbrella, points it at the beaver and squeezes the handle. *BAM* The beaver drops dead in front of him."
"That's impossible !" said the old man in disbelief, "Someone else must have shot that beaver."
"Exactly."
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MEN ARE LIKE. . . Floor Tiles, if you lay them right the first time, you can walk all over them for years. |
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MEN ARE LIKE. . . Bank Accounts, without a lot of money, they don't generate a lot of interest. |
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MEN ARE LIKE. . . Blenders, you need one, but you're not quite sure why. |
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MEN ARE LIKE. . . Chocolate Bars, sweet, smooth and they usually head right for your hips. |
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MEN ARE LIKE. . . Coffee the best ones are rich, warm and can keep you up all night long. |
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MEN ARE LIKE. . . Commercials, you can't believe a word they say. |
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MEN ARE LIKE. . . Computers, hard to figure out and never have enough memory. |
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MEN ARE LIKE. . . Coolers, load them with beer and you can take them anywhere. |
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MEN ARE LIKE. . . Copiers, you need them for reproduction, but that's about it. |
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MEN ARE LIKE. . . Government Bonds, they take so long to mature. |
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MEN ARE LIKE. . . Parking Spots, the good ones are already taken and the ones that are left are handicapped or extremely small. |
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MEN ARE LIKE. . . Popcorn, they satisfy you, but only for a little while. |
| MEN ARE LIKE. . . Newborn babies, they're cute at first, but you get tired of cleaning up their mess. |
About Marriage
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My wife dresses to kill. She cooks the same way. |
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My wife and I were very happy for twenty years. Then we met. |
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A good wife always forgives her husband when she's wrong. |
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Never go to bed mad. Stay up and fight. |
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When a man steals your wife, there is no better revenge than to let him keep her. |
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I haven't spoken to my wife in 18 months; I don't like to interrupt her. |
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Man is incomplete until he is married. Then he is finished. |
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A little boy asked his father, "Daddy, how much does it cost to get married?" The father replied, "I don't know son, I'm still paying". |
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A man placed an ad in the classifieds: "Wife wanted". The next day he received a hundred letters. They all said the same thing: "You can have mine". |
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A woman was telling her friend, "I made my husband a millionaire". "And what was he before you married him?" asked the friend. The woman replied "A billionaire". |
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Eighty percent of married men cheat in America. The rest cheat in Europe. |
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Marriage is the triumph of imagination over intelligence. |
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Second marriage is the triumph of hope over experience. |
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If you want your wife to listen and pay strict attention to every word you say, talk in your sleep. |
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It's not true that married men live longer than single men. It only seems longer. |
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How do most men define marriage? A very expensive way to get your laundry done free. |
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The most effective way to remember your wife's birthday is to forget it once. |
Kindly contributed by Murat Ersavci
