SHINNECOCK-UP

What a great win by Retief Goosen, who basically kept his nerve, concentration and belief better than the others to win his second US Open title, but once again the tournament will be best remembered for yet another mindless attempt by the USGA to render a course unplayable for the best golfers in the world. The rough at Shinnecock Hills was rough, but after all you are supposed to get some kind of penalty for not driving as straight as your opponents, and in any case, it still proved possible for the pros to get out of trouble much of the time. What proved an almost impossible challenge however, was the putting, as punishing pin positions were combined with glass-like surfaces. So bad had it become that on the 3^rd day they actually stopped play for 20 minutes to water the par-three 7^th green in the middle of the competition in an attempt to make it less ridiculous. Thereafter they were watering greens in between successive groups. It does give spectators a bit of vicarious pleasure to see the pros occasionally struggle in the more remote parts of the course that are all too familiar for the amateur golfer, but there is simply no joy for anyone in watching them send a 2 foot putt off the green. Immediately prior to the above watering incident the crowd had raised a mighty cheer for Billy Mayfair’s bogey, as it was the best score they’d seen for some time. Ernie Els called it ‘borderline fair’ and Sergio hoped for better conditions on the final day or ‘we’ll still be putting on Sunday night’. There were similar pronouncements from just about all the top players – enough to fill the Lighter Side several times over, but I’ve just re-produced a choice few.

A comforting final group position for England in Euro 2004, after the self-doubt engendered by the initial loss to the French. It wasn’t so much the loss – that was as per expectation according to the seedings, but the fact that they were leading until the death. However, a couple of high-scoring wins have raised morale, and Beckham’s virtual invisibility has been adequately compensated by Rooney’s explosive impact on the tournament. They will of course keep faith with Becks, and if he comes good in the knockout stages, we could be in with a real chance. No other team has really stamped its authority yet, and the Spaniards are out already, thanks to a stirring performance from England’s quarter-final opponents the Portuguese, who beat their neighbours for the first time since 1981. I’m told that the Czech-Holland match was a belter too.

Outside Portugal there have been a few odd happenings in football this week.

Scottish 1^st Division champions Inverness have been granted promotion to the Premiership after the SPL voted in favour of their proposal to ground share with Aberdeen (a small matter of 100 miles for their loyal supporters to travel for a ‘home’ game!).  There were some shenanigans surrounding the voting (including a re-vote), but eventually the air was cleared, and they even went so far as to say that from now on the requirement for a Premiership ground was a capacity of 6,000 compared to the previous 10,000 threshold. All this will no doubt be warmly received by certain of our readers from Falkirk, whose club failed to clear, or find an acceptable way around this hurdle when they became Division 1 champs.

Of course you can always do what Wimbledon did, and move house – lock, stock and barrel. They are now playing in Milton Keynes, and with the additional factor that a rival, newly-formed, part-time Wimbledon club has been thriving, they have sensibly applied for permission to re-brand themselves as Milton Keynes Dons.

And the ‘official’ Thai bid for Liverpool has been withdrawn, following the realisation that the proposal to use some form of government funding was not going to meet with universal approval. Nevertheless, a new Thai contender has entered the ring in the form of a media mogul whose independent company Grammy Entertainment would provide the money. This keeps alive the possibility that the Reds could follow Man U’s lead in cultivating a commercially attractive link to the Far Eastern market, and who knows, we might yet see them playing alternate home matches at the Lumpini Kick-boxing Stadium on Rama IV Road in Bangkok!

In company with a few other determined rugby fans, I escaped from my planning workshop in a downtown hotel at the lunch hour on Saturday and dived down to the sports bar to see the second half of the NZ – England match, which proved quite interesting timing. Until the commentator mentioned it about 10 minutes into the play, we hadn’t noticed that England were down to 14 men, which runs counter to claims by Woodward and others that the sending off of Shaw had ‘ruined the match’. It looked as if the up front battle was still pretty even (with the notable exception of the line-outs), but the English backs simply had no answer to their flying Kiwi counterparts. Winger Rokocoko posted his third Test match hat-trick of tries, and lest you think he has profited from the globalisation of the game, just note that the teams against which he has done so are England, Australia and France! In contrast, England failed for the second match to cross the NZ line. Post-match debate was almost unanimously critical of linesman Stuart Dickinson’s intervention that led to Shaw’s dismissal, including Kiwi coach Graham Henry stating that he wouldn’t have expected one of his players to have been sent off for what Shaw did, but any sympathy for England’s unjust treatment was immediately quashed with the revelation that Grewcock had been cited (on video evidence) for stamping, and was indeed banned for 6 weeks as a result. Although the English squad is still a formidable outfit, they have lost a few absolutely key members since the World Cup, and looked tired and uninventive. In contrast the All Blacks are on the rise, having had a good (and short) Super 12 season, and were keen to put one over on the champions. It just goes to show how small the differences were between England, Australia and New Zealand last November/December, and how little it takes to swing the pendulum.

Scotland can be satisfied that they gave the Aussies 2 good matches, and can go home with realistic hopes of significant improvements for next season. Meanwhile the Aussies wait with glee for their turn to down England this weekend. With Mortlock returning after injury, they certainly have a rare opportunity to turn the screw.

The Irish again failed to close the door on the Springboks, despite having plenty of possession and territorial advantage. Prodigal son Percy Montgomery was welcomed back into the S. African side, following a change of policy on émigrés, and showed that he is not yet on the wrong side of the hill. His sustained enthusiasm contrasted with a weary looking Irish side, and he made a major contribution to the 26-17 winning margin.

Hence it was down to a largely unheralded Welsh win against Argentina to provide the sole crumb of comfort for the northern hemisphere. However, this did not come cheaply, as captain Charvis was sin-binned for the second week, and although this will not have any direct impact on their next matches, it has re-ignited some deep-seated criticism of the veteran at home, and can do nothing for the team’s spirit as they prepare to face sterner opposition in S. Africa.

Well, you can’t say that the Indy Grand Prix failed to provide any excitement, although much of it involved large chunks of metal, rubber and carbon fibre being catapulted into the air, and only 8 of the 20 starters finishing the race. Fortunately no-one was seriously injured, but Ralf’s crash brought universal criticism of the marshals (for being slow to the scene) and the race director (for allowing the rest of the field to continue lapping behind the safety car, and thus repeatedly passing through all the debris on the track, let alone the fact that they were driving within feet of the stricken car as the medics carefully extricated Ralf). Once again a combination of a little bit of skill and a massive chunk of luck enabled Schumi to ease home with little trouble. His only necessary overtaking move (on pole sitter Barichello) was an opportunistic ‘jumping’ of his team mate as they re-started after the first safety car period. The pair crossed the start line with 0.0 seconds showing as the difference on the race clock, but the computer registering that Rubens had just cleared ahead of Schumi, who thus avoided a penalty for overtaking before the line. Both he and Barichello acknowledged this as being something that you would be unlikely to repeat in the rest of your racing career! When Ralf’s incident brought out the safety car again, the meister somehow managed to pit immediately and return to the head of the slowly circulating field without losing any track position, despite the fact that he was ‘only’ 7 seconds ahead prior to that, and no post-race commentary I have read offers any explanation as to how this was achieved. No doubt another piece of legal Ferrari magic, demonstrating that they really do have the ability to react optimally to almost any conceivable situation. Then when Rubens exited from his final pit stop, he showed that he certainly had the faster car for the weekend by climbing all over Schumi’s exhaust pipe, bringing out a desperate ‘chopping’ move, but just as we thought we might be in for a genuine fight for once, we remembered that Ferrari have an unwritten rule that their cars are free to fight for track position until the final pit stop, but not thereafter. Sure enough the Brazilian dropped back and gave MS no more trouble. In case you should think that we’re being cynical and unfair, listen to Rubens;

"I really had a car to win the race, so that is why I am a little bit sorry, despite the great result."

The athletics drug witch hunt heats up, with claims from 100 meter record holder Tim Montgomery that disgraced Kelli White has ‘shopped’ him to the USADA without a shred of evidence. This brought a strange statement from Montgomery, which he may live to regret;

“She don't live with me, so I don't know how she would know. I only knew the guy (Balco lab man) for six months. I only knew him from working with CJ Hunter in Sydney. The truth will prevail."

Now just remind us Tim, who was CJ Hunter?

And partner Marion Jones (or more accurately her lawyer) is pressuring the authorities to drop the investigation into her links with the lab, so that she can get on with preparation for Athens.

The reach and power of the current investigation was further indicated by the announcement that not only had Kelli White been stripped of the world championship medals she ‘won’  in Paris last year, where she tested positive, but they have annulled all her performances dating back to December 2000.

The current Asian Cricket Council trophy being held in Kuala Lumpur revealed some of the weaknesses in the ongoing drive to broaden the geographical spread of the sport. Playing against Nepal, the Iran team mustered all of 29 runs, and the Nepalese rattled off the winning runs in 9 balls. This brought justified comment about premature international exposure of countries for whom cricket was an essentially alien game. Ensuing reports and commentary in newspapers also highlighted the anomaly of Gulf countries having strong squads by virtue of their large Indian and Pakistani resident populations, whilst ex-colonial spots such as Singapore have dumped the game, and now have to more or less bribe people to represent them.

The Sri Lankans have now arrived in Australia for their tour, without the influential Murali. However, it was announced a few days ago that he would be in Sydney this week for a PR tour, autographing books along with his rival Shane Warne, who recently described him as thin-skinned for ducking out of the controversy over his action, and who would presumably be available for this jaunt as his broken hand had ruled him out of the Test series. Then yesterday came the news that Warne would after all be fit to play in the Tests. Intriguing!

ON THE LIGHTER SIDE

As promised, the best of the US Open quotes.

Tiger finished way down the field and was basically in trouble off the tee, before he even got to deal with then greens, but nevertheless he had an excuse ready;

“I hit probably three poor drives. But other than that I hit some good shots that didn't end up in the fairway.”

The treacherous par-three 11^th hole was up to its tricks, including luring Jimenez to card a 9. This brought a recollection of the description accorded to it by Lee Trevino some years back;

“It’s the shortest par-five in America.”

As Mickelson puts his first drive into the long straggly rough on the right of the fairway, a commentator remarks;

“It’s like an Ian Poulter hairdo.”

Aforementioned Mickelson was employing his new ‘think positive and enjoy it’ philosophy by walking around with a permanent grin on his face, drawing this remark;

“He looks happy. Either that or he’s had botox.”

The irrepressible Japanese Maruyama, who had almost missed his tee time on Thursday with an ill-timed visit to the portable loo near the first tee. When asked prior to the second round what had happened he beamed and said;

“Ah, big probrem!”

And finally the experienced Mark Calcavecchia shows that there is a way to beat the blues;

“It is not the first time (the USGA) have done this and it won't be the last. And on that note I need a beer.”

Come On Tim again has the weight of the nation’s expectations on his shoulders, but his recent resurgence to the upper echelons of the world rankings has brought consideration that he might be the ‘best player never to have won Wimbledon’. When this was put to him in an interview, he wisely responded;

“I think Ken Rosewall might be a bit miffed to hear you say that!”

Gordon Strachan remains true to his promise, and has not been tempted into an early re-entry to the world of football management, but that doesn’t mean his words of wisdom are lost to us. The BBC has hired him for Euro 2004, and has already profited from this exchange with fellow commentator Gary Linnekar;

“So Gordon, if you were English, what formation would you play?”

“If I was English I'd top myself!”

Serena Williams is a complete airhead. Just pump her up, open her mouth and the words come tumbling out, albeit not necessarily in any meaningful order. Explaining that she really would be taking a more serious approach to this year’s Wimbledon she said;

"I used to take things for granted before but now I hate to lose."

Then, moments later, when asked for her thoughts about her first round opponent, she replied;

"I don't even know who I am playing. I just focus on the match and figure it out from there."

A spectator at Indianapolis was holding a banner which read like a spoof Mastercard advert.

McLaren:_

New Technical Centre              $300 million

Drivers Salaries                        $17 million

3 points behind Sauber            Priceless

BAR’s Takuma Sato reigned in his wilder tendencies and drove a great race to get third place behind the Ferraris at Indy. As he carved his way through the field, Martin Brundle enthused;

“He’s a quietly spoken man with a lisp and a girlfriend who wouldn’t say boo to a goose, but when he gets behind the wheel of a Formula 1 car he’s an animal. Fantastic!”

They have the 2010 football World Cup, and are on the short list for the 2012 Olympics. Now they have the first man to reach space in a privately funded venture. Put this together with fabulous scenery, spectacular golf courses, great food and wine, and a comfortable climate, and you would expect this country to be a combination of powerhouse and paradise. What a crying shame that other factors have prevented South Africa from becoming what it could be.

Rugby Internationals

Saturday            11:20            New Zealand – Argentina
                        13:30            Australia – England
                        16:00            S. Africa – Wales

Rugby U-21 World Championship from Glasgow

Wednesday            19:45            New Zealand – S. Africa
                            22:15            Australia – Ireland

Sunday 16:30            3^rd/4^th place playoff
                             19:00            Final

Golf     Open de France from Paris

Thu/Fri             17:00 – 20:00

Saturday            19:00 – 22:00 (delayed)

Sunday              16:00 – 19:00

Golf     Booz Allen Classic from Potomac, MD

Thu/Fri            24:00

Sat/Sun            23:00

Football            Euro 2004 from Portugal

Wednesday            22:15            Germany – Czech
                            22:15            Holland – Latvia

Thursday               22:15            England – Portugal (QF)

Friday                   22:15            France – Greece (QF)

Saturday                22:15            QF3

Sunday                  22:15            QF4

Tennis from Wimbledon

Tuesday to Saturday at 15:45 – 22:00

Monday            15:45 – 22:00

Tuesday            15:45 – 23:00

Motorbike racing            MotoGP from Assen, Holland

Saturday            14:00            125cc
                        15:10            250cc
                        16:30            MotoGP

Cricket            Triangular ODI Series in England

Thursday            17:00 – 01:30   England – New Zealand

Saturday            13:15 – 21:45   New Zealand – Windies

Sunday 13:15 – 21:40   England – Windies

Tuesday            17:00 – 01:30   England – New Zealand

Athletics            IAAF Grand Prix

Saturday            17:00 – 19:30   Lille, France

Sunday 19:00 – 22:00            Gateshead

Tuesday            20:30 – 23:00   Zagreb