Special note:            On leave this Wednesday for 5 weeks. Looking forward to a great summer of global sport, starting with British Golf Society of Cairo’s annual reunion at Puckrup Hall, Gloucestershire! Normal service will be resumed on Tuesday 31^st August.  Have fun.

HOT TODDY

Yes, I know that publishing dates mean the above headline has appeared in lots of places (including The Sun!) already, but it’s just too good to miss, isn’t it? We certainly got our money’s worth with a 4-hole play-off added on, and it’s not every day you see a 500-1 outsider calmly defending his 3^rd round lead against a determined onslaught by the world’s best golfers. It was an impressive display of nerve, particularly as he was a lot shorter off the tee than most, and had the confidence to stick to a game plan which had him progressing round the course out of sync with the rest. He also had the most demanding of direct challenges as his most dogged pursuer and the eventual runner-up was his playing partner Ernie Els. However, a little background research shows that Todd Hamilton’s Open win was perhaps not as surprising as we initially thought. Admittedly until the past couple of years, the career of this 39-year-old American had been played out mainly on the distant fairways of the Asian and Japanese tours, but he had racked up a number of wins, and was even leading money winner in one season. Then, after finally getting the US tour card that he had been chasing for so long, he put in solid performances, and actually won the Honda Classic earlier this year (you don’t remember?). So even before his £720,000 Open cheque, he had accumulated $1.5 million this season. Not exactly the ‘nobody’ that he was portrayed as being!

It was a mixed bag for the rest of the field. Woods, Singh and Monty faded after threatening to come good on the final day, and Mickleson was nearly there, but it was Lee Westwood who lasted longest, and his 4^th place finish hopefully heralds his genuine return to world class form.

The sights, sounds and quotes from 4 days of Major golf were as memorable as the competition itself, and merit a special section in The Lighter Side below.

The opening Tri-Nations match in Wellington was hit by appalling weather, and understandably failed to produce the expected showcase of exciting southern hemisphere skills. It’s a bit more than just ‘another international’ so it’s perhaps not surprising that traditional rivals Australia and New Zealand played it tight and took few chances. I didn’t see the match, but it seems to be unanimously felt that the Kiwis deserved their narrow win. However, as a pointer to the likely outcome of the tournament it did nothing.

After an opening week characterised by generally solid, cautious riding interspersed with occasional thrusts to show that he was still intending to win the Tour again, Lance Armstrong struck with a vengeance in the Pyrenees, culminating in a classic individual mountain stage win in which he burned off all his supposed challengers. However, at the time of writing he still sits in second place overall, as the surprise yellow jersey holder Thomas Voeckler has refused to keel over in the past week, like everyone said he would. In fact he was arguably the most impressive of the other riders in the above-mentioned stage. Without the benefit of the formidable support that Armstrong relies on from his US Postal team, the Frenchman kept himself amongst the climbing specialists and finished about tenth, restricting Armstrong’s margin to a few seconds less than required to take the jersey. With the technology and communication available to riders, support teams and spectators alike these days, it was apparent to all that Voeckler had a chance of hanging onto the overall lead as he neared the finishing summit, and it was compelling viewing to see the crowd (no matter what nationality) cheering him on as he gave it his all. When he rounded the final corner, a matter of only a hundred metres from the line, he saw the clock and punched the air in triumph. Given that he initially took the lead with a breakaway on a fast flat stage, and his gutsy showing this week establishes his climbing credentials, it makes you wonder why he should be predicted to fall away. Perhaps it will only be Armstrong’s superior individual time trial capabilities and the US Postal support that ultimately make the difference?

Of course, as has become almost customary in cycling, all this thrilling action is conducted against the continuing backdrop of drug allegations and abuse. A small but steady stream of riders has been thrown out of the race, and sadly we have to admit there is no guarantee that the stars of the race are clean. However, until and unless we one day learn that the unique level of stamina needed for the 3-week Tour de France could only be attained with illegal aids, we can continue to enjoy some of the most intense and satisfying sports viewing.

The Americans athletes have been doing their usual trumpeting about how they’re gonna win more Olympic medals than anyone else, but the way things are going, I should think their best chance is not in track and field but in tenpin bowling. The story of their Olympic trials has not been one of fabulous performances, so much as the number of drug suspects who have failed to deliver, or even failed to turn up. They’ve been falling over like skittles.

I imagine that in some rural bar in Brittany there is a Crystal Palace fan drowning his sorrows over the news that Libyan leader Colonel Gaddafi may be considering buying the club. But cheer up Dave, you wouldn’t be the only victims – he already owns 7.5% of Juventus! What’s more there is nothing to suggest that his incidental passing interest in being a football club owner is any less worthy than that of a number of other, seemingly more ‘respectable’ millionaires who dabble in the sport. In fact the chairman of Palace, Simon Jordan is talking of leaving after 4 years at the helm, and says;

“I have achieved what I set out to do. I don’t enjoy football any more.”

ON THE LIGHTER SIDE

As promised, a bumper crop of items from Royal Troon, where Ian Poulter single-handedly tried to turn The Open into the golfing equivalent of Ladies Day at Royal Ascot. He outdid the late Payne Stewart by a considerable margin in the fashion stakes, starting off with a splendidly patriotic, but startlingly garish, pair of Union Jack trousers that had the Royal Troon captain Arthur Dunsmuir spluttering;
"If this was any other week of the year but the Open he would not have got through the gates dressed like that."
He continued through a series of plus-fours, accompanied by, amongst other things, pink socks and shoes, and marked Sunday with a pair of trews that at least seemed somewhat appropriate to the surroundings. He was evidently alive to the risk of ridicule, when he recovered to a final round of 72 after a poor start, and explained;
"The last thing you want to do is shoot 80 wearing 'tartan troosers'".

Winner Todd Hamilton saved the reporters the anguish of deciding how to politely describe his less than classic way of negotiating the course;
"I play what I call ugly golf - I hit a lot of punch shots, a lot of big slices off the tee, just to keep the ball in play, and then rely on my chipping and putting."
Back home in the 1500-soul Illinois town of Oquawka, his family seat has been assailed on both sides by cars honking their horns, and Mississippi riverboats giving signs of appreciation on their sirens.

Nick Faldo's view on playing The Open hints that his eventual retirement from golf could leave him stuck in a life short of thrills;
"It gets my juices going more than any plate of roast beef."

Monty may have failed to deliver on the crucial last day, but he can still look forward to an alternative career as a chat show host, given his light-hearted ribbing of Prince Andrew;
"We just arrive at golf clubs - you land."

The only amateur to make the cut, Stuart Wilson, (who thus picked up the silver medal on his birthday on Sunday) had some problem finding his way into the players' car park, and neatly encapsulated the gulf between today's 'gentlemen' and 'players';
"I think the marshals were looking for something a bit plusher than a Fiesta."

One of the Japanese competitors caused a bit of a stir in the commentary box, when he was initially announced as Mr. Fukabori (pronounced as in 'luck'). After a few seconds' pregnant pause the experienced and worldly-wise Peter Alliss suggested;
"I think that's Fukabori." (pronounced as in 'look')

Cut to one of many 'atmospheric' shots of the late afternoon sun spearing through broken cloud over the expansive sands revealed by the retreating tide, and a lone dog enjoying a splash.
"I think that's an Irish Water Spaniel."
"Must be a strong swimmer!"


Sam Torrance demonstrated that 4 days of long hours in the commentary box was not going to prevent him from keeping abreast of other news. One of his colleagues had just suggested that Tiger had single-putted every green so far in his third round, and was subsequently corrected. Sam tossed in a topical prophecy;
"We'll get the Butler report, and it'll be nobody's fault."

Scotland's answer to Tim Henman was receiving exuberant vocal support during his third round, with numerous shouts of "Come on, Monty!" prompting this exchange;
"Is that what the Scots call reserved enthusiasm?"
"At least it wasn't 'In the hole'"!

Elsewhere in the sporting world:-
The dour display that the teams could muster in the poor conditions in Wellington did not dull the victors' pleasure at their achievement. New Zealand captain Tana Umaga said;
"The boys are having their photos taken with the Bledisloe Cup. They're very happy." 

In the thirteen-man code of rugby, the British Amateur Rugby League Lions have just concluded their 'Goodwill Tour' Down Under in ignominious fashion. Having lost heavily to the Australian Aborigines, they ended up fighting amongst themselves in a pub and subsequently in the team hotel. As a result, four of them were sent home, which when combined with two earlier enforced departures plus a couple of inevitable injuries picked up on tour, left them with only 11 fit players. They were thus unable to fulfil their final planned fixture, which was supposed to have been against ….. a team from the Police and Correctional Services!

Back in 1957 Yorkshire's famous middle distance runner Derek Ibbotson suggested that a night's 'enjoyment' with his wife had been the perfect preparation for his successful attempt on the world mile record the following day (3min 57.2sec at the White City if you really want to know!). Since then, the pursuit of athletic excellence has become ever more serious, so it is pleasing to see the occasional glimpse of that old Corinthian approach. The current torch-bearer seems to be decathlete Dean Macey who soldiers on at the edge of world greatness, through a continuous series of injuries, but never loses sight of the fact that it's 'just a game', and obviously hasn't forgotten how to live life. He has just succeeded in qualifying for the Olympics, and gave a straightforward response to the question of how he would continue his preparations;
"I reckon I deserve a couple of beers. I have not eaten much the last couple of days and after those beers I will probably be flat on my back."

Thanks to Bob and Dublin Tony for some football quips from the John Motson collection, and some jibes about England's prowess (no doubt prompted by their failure to capitalise on the opportunities in Euro 2004 - a tournament which the Scots apparently elected to sit out!);

This could be our best victory over Germany since the war.
The goals made such a difference to the way this game went.
The match has become quite unpredictable, but it still looks as though
Arsenal will win the cup.
And Seaman, just like a falling oak, manages to change direction.


Q: Why aren't the England football team allowed to own a dog?
A: Because they can't hold on to a lead.

Oxo were going to bring out a Euro 2004 Commemorative cube painted red, white and blue in honour of the England squad. But it was a laughing stock and crumbled in the box.

Q: Why do English make better lovers than Portuguese/Germans/French?
A: Because English are the only ones who can stay on top for 45 minutes and still come second!

Q: What's the difference between O J Simpson and England?
A: OJ Simpson had a more credible defence

Rumours that David Beckham was seen successfully seducing a young woman in a Spanish nightclub with a one-liner have been completely refuted by the English FA. Adam Crozier, chief publicity officer stated: "I find it totally preposterous to suggest that one of our players could make a successful pass to or at anyone."

Q. You're trapped in a room with a tiger, a rattlesnake and Jimmy Hill. You have a gun with two bullets. What do you do?
A. Shoot Jimmy Hill - twice.

On which note, talk about adding insult to injury! The final story this week concerns a Yorkshire man who waded his way through 15 pints at the pub, and not surprisingly got into some kind of argument with his friend. So serious did this appear, that he decided to go home and get his sawn-off shotgun, which he stuffed into his trousers for the walk back to the pub. Big mistake, as the gun went off accidentally, and blasted pellets into his nether regions. Suffice it to say that emergency surgery has left him with a permanently high-pitched voice. And did he get any sympathy for this unfortunate accident? Not a bit of it. In fact he was jailed for 5 years for possessing an illegal firearm!

ON THE BOX  
(All live on Supersport; Abu Dhabi timings; GMT +4)

Rugby Tri-Nations from Christchurch

Saturday            11:15            New Zealand – S. Africa

Rugby Currie Cup

Friday                21:00            Pumas – Griquas
Saturday            16:45            Sharks – Cheetahs
                         16:50            Eagles – W. Province
                         19:00            Lions – Blue Bulls 

Golf     Nissan Irish Open from Drogheda

Thu/Fri              19:30 – 22:30
Saturday             19:00 – 21:00
Sunday                19:00 – 22:00 

Golf     Senior British Open from Royal Portrush

Thu/Fri               18:00 – 21:00
Saturday              21:15 – 23:00 (delayed)
Sunday                 16:00 – 19:00 

Golf     US Bank Championship from Milwaukee

Thu/Fri            24:00
Sat/Sun            23:00 

Cycling            Tour de France

Tuesday                 14:00 – 19:45   Stage 15
Wednesday            16:30 – 20:00   Stage 16
Thursday                12:45 – 19:30   Stage 17
Friday                    16:15 – 19:30   Stage 18
Saturday                 16:00 – 20:15   Stage 19
Sunday                   15:00 – 20:30   Stage 20 

Formula 1 German GP from Hockenheim

Friday                     16:00 – 17:00            Practice 2
Saturday                 11:00 – 11:45            Practice 3
                              12:15 – 13:00            Practice 4
                              15:00 – 16:50            Qualifying
Sunday                    15:30               Race 

Motorbikes            MotoGP from Donington Park

Sunday                     15:30            125cc
                               16:40            250cc
                               18:00            MotoGP 

Cricket            England – Windies 1^st Test from Lords

Thursday to Monday daily at 13:00 – 20:45 

Athletics            IAAF meetings

Friday                   22:00 – 01:00   Golden League from Paris
Sunday                 19:00 – 22:00   Super GP
Tuesday                21:30 – 24:00   Super GP from Stockholm