I suppose 'half a roof is better than no shed'!

… … BURNING (NOT SO) BRIGHT

It’s started to happen. Tiger is losing ranking points in the rolling system, and his main challengers are gaining. Not that it presages a fall from grace, but more a genuine opening up of competition. For instance, although he didn’t win last weekend, he did come fourth, so it’s not exactly as if he’s disappeared off the radar. However, nice to see Sergio finally picking up another trophy in the US.

In the BMW Asian Open in Shanghai there was nearly a sensational upset from Simon Dyson, who despite failing to keep his European card last year was leading through 3 rounds, but eventually crumpled on the final day, allowing Miguel (Status Quo) Jimenez to pick up his 3^rd title of the year. There could have been a rare serious challenge from Greg Norman, had he not been disqualified for an improper penalty drop in round 3.

In the traditional nature of such encounters, the Super 12 semi-finals were not classics, but did provide some excitement and entertainment. The lesser-favoured sides in each match acquitted themselves well, but in the end it was the two favourites who prevailed, so it will be Brumbies hosting Crusaders in Canberra this Saturday for the trophy. Play of the Week must be from the Brumbies giant Fijian lock-forward Radike Samo who gathered the ball at the front of a lineout near halfway and set off down the touchline like Lomu. He evaded a tackle with a mixture of strength and guile, and then displayed some sleight of hand that Spencer would have been proud of, before finally dragging a defender across the line for the clinching try. If rapping, Gameboy-toting youngsters hadn’t already hijacked the word, you’d call that awesome.

The British Soap Awards have just come and gone, which is a pity, as it was fractionally too early for a great new contender to make its mark. It’s called Harare Street, and it goes something like this ….

There’s this international cricket team that has been struggling to make it in the big time. As if that wasn’t enough of a burden, the largely black national board sacks the white captain after he questions their policies in a way that they interpret as a racial protest. Fourteen of his mates then join him in withdrawing their services. After several feints the board terminates their contracts. Meanwhile on the pitch the team is hammered 5-0 in a one-day series, and then (without the rebel players) suffers two world record Test defeats. One of their bowlers is cited for chucking. Their mainstay middle order batsman makes a thinly veiled and sarcastic comment about the notoriously odd action of an opposition bowler who has just broken the world record for Test wickets, and is promptly suspended for one match. The Australian-born coach announces that he will not want to extend his contract when it expires in September. One of the promising young white rebel players decides to emigrate to Australia, and takes along his girlfriend, who happens to be the coach’s daughter. With the threat of even bigger defeats at the hands of the current world champions who started their tour this week, the ICC finally appears on the scene, although they stress that they are not even offering their services to mediate in the dispute between the board and the rebels, let alone intending to threaten applying sanctions or evicting the nation from the Test-playing ranks. There is talk of makeshift changes such as reducing the already abbreviated tour from two Tests to one, and even some suggestion of a complete cancellation. Waiting in the wings for the following tour are the ex-colonial masters, whose government has resisted domestic pressure to make a formal cancellation of the tour.

You couldn’t make it up, could you?!

Arsenal avoided a last-minute pratfall against relegated Leicester and thus became the first side to record an unbeaten season in the top flight of English football since Preston in ‘88/’89 … that’s 1888/89! Although you don’t get any silverware for that, it was clearly a magical achievement, and as the team made a triumphant parade around Islington you could see the realisation of what they had done gradually dawning on them. The plaudits were thoroughly deserved, and it was equally notable that they had not only played well, but had also rid themselves of their disciplinary hoodoo.

Thai premier Shinawatra’s offer to buy a large chunk of Liverpool has met opposition from millionaire fan Steve Morgan, whose alternative proposal (including a strong hint that Houllier would have to go) was itself rejected. The Thai offer may still be accepted, but they are not banking on it, and are rumoured to be looking for other potential purchases in the Premiership. With all the journalistic digging that has gone on during this saga, it emerges that it may not be Shinawatra’s personal fortune that is funding this crusade, but actually government money! Does that count as foreign aid to Britain?

South Africa has been awarded the 2010 World Cup, having emerged as the best candidate from the continent that had already been assured of staging the event, but it’s not only Africa that the established footballing nations should be watching. In the latest FIFA rankings England have slipped to 12^th, whilst none other then the USA are in 8^th place!

They’ll be cheering in the streets of (whichever northern French town it is that Dave Simpson now calls home), as Crystal Palace made the Division 1 play-off final in a nail-biting penalty shoot-out against Sunderland. I doubt that the locals will get too fired up about it, but Dave said his mum-in-law was predicting a Palace win, so perhaps it’s worth asking her for a tip about the FA Cup final?

Great stuff in the bike racing last weekend, both from Monza and Le Mans.

Although Laconi registered comfortable wins in both Superbike races, there was a fierce battle behind him between Britain’s James Toseland and Aussie Garry McCoy who swapped positions endlessly, with seemingly impossibly late braking manoeuvres that said a lot about just how good the tyres are these days!

At Le Mans it was a second successive win for Spaniard Sete Gibernau, with champion Rossi in 4^th – a result which puts Gibernau, Rossi and Biaggi within 3 points in the overall standings.

I was going to comment on the rather bleak prospect awaiting Sonia Gandhi if and when she became confirmed as India’s next Prime Minister. With two of her family previously assassinated whilst in office she would have started on the back foot. Then consider the fact that she was born in Italy, and look at the average political survival time of an Italian government, and you begin to wonder whether she’d last until Christmas. However, I heard this afternoon that she had more or less confirmed that she’d stand down, in view of the somewhat irrational furore over her foreign birth (how many ‘Indians’ in Westminster??). She’ll probably live a long and much happier life as a strong supporter than a vulnerable leader

ON THE LIGHTER SIDE

The new owners of relegated and financially troubled Leeds have started their clearout, but the low price they got for Paul Robinson’s transfer to Spurs prompted John Boocock, chairman of the Leeds United Supporters' Trust, to remark;
“We would get more for Robinson if we sold him in the Leeds Weekly News.”

Our favourite football manager and orator Claudio Ranieri is still tossing out gems, even if the latest one is verging towards the incomprehensible standard set by Cantona’s famous ‘seagull’ poem;
“Before you kill me, you call me the "dead man walking". I must buy you an espresso. But only a little one - I am Scottish!”

Liverpool’s rejected suitor Steve Morgan did not hide his opinion of manager Gerard Houllier’s track record in the transfer market;
“He's six years into a five-year plan.”
“Anyone can make mistakes, but we just seem to have made a hell of a lot of them.”

After some claims by Murali that he hadn’t been told anything about the declared illegality of his special new ‘doosra’ delivery, ICC’s Malcolm Speed felt obliged to clarify the situation in an official statement;
"The report proves the degree of straightening is well outside the ICC's specified levels of tolerance. Sri Lanka Cricket has instructed Mr Muralitharan not to bowl the delivery."

The unofficial assessment came from Zimbabwean batsman Dion Ebrahim who received what he later described as a ‘surprise’ orthodox leg break from Murali, and made the comment for which he was subsequently suspended;
“That was the first legal delivery he bowled.”

But of course the definitive version has to be attributed to that cricketing expert John Howard, otherwise known as Prime Minister of Australia, who has said that Murali chucks – and there’s no arguing with that!

Welshman Philip Price swapped his clubs for a microphone at the European tour event in Shanghai, but I doubt that he’ll be offered a permanent contract as a commentator. As K.J.Choi took out his driver for a swashbuckling second shot on a par 5, Price assessed his chances thus;
“There’s water left and water right, but if he keeps it straight he should be OK.”

In the Super 12 semi-final in Canterbury, the Crusaders’ fly half made an unsuccessful drop goal attempt that rather bemused the commentator;
“Drop kick from McIntyre …  and it’s off to the right – or was it the left?”

Quarterfinals day at the latest Tennis Masters Series tournament in Hamburg brought the first decent weather of the week, and the following comment from John Barrett;
“There’s a strange phenomenon on the court at the moment. It’s called a shadow.”

You might have thought that a tennis player with the name Anna Smashnova was a sitting duck for the press, but to then go and marry her coach (as she did in 2002) and become Smashnova-Pistolesi is just asking for trouble!

Another cracker from our local authorities here in the UAE. I recall reading a story about a week ago concerning the Sharjah Municipality carrying out an enforced removal of existing taxis from the roads in advance of a changeover to a new government controlled taxi service. Note the words ‘in advance’. I naturally assumed that this was yet another piece of patchy reporting that didn’t convey the whole picture. Imagine my surprise when I subsequently read that the police had ordered the Municipality to allow the old taxis back onto the roads to deal with the chaotic situation that had been caused by their premature removal! Guidebooks to the Middle East will advise you about the use of the left and right hand, but perhaps they should also warn about the lack of communication between them!

Reader Laurie later (19th May) clarifies

I heard the story about the female in the cockpit in ABZ airport on the BBC news last Monday when I was home. It started "Police and BAA authorities are investigating a security breach at Aberdeen Airport when a lap dancer was found........." No pilot though !

ON THE BOX  
(All live on Supersport; Abu Dhabi timings; GMT +4)

Rugby             Super 12 Final from Canberra

Saturday            13:25

Golf     TPC of Europe from Germany

Thu/Fri 17:00 – 20:00
Sat/Sun            16:00 – 19:00

Golf     Bank of America Colonial from Ft. Worth, Texas

Thu/Fri 24:00
Sat/Sun            23:00

Football            FA Cup final from Cardiff

Saturday            17:00            Man U – Millwall (kick-off 18:00)

Football            UEFA Cup final from Gothenburg

Wednesday            22:15            Valencia – Marseilles

Football            Division 1 play-off semi-final 2^nd leg

Tuesday (18^th)            22:30            West Ham – Ipswich

Formula 1 Monaco GP

Thursday            16:00            Practice 2
Saturday            11:00            Practice 3
                        12:15            Practice 4
                        15:00            Qualifying
Sunday 16:00            Race 

Cricket            England – New Zealand 1^st Test

Thursday to Monday daily at 13:15 – 21:00 

Cricket            Zimbabwe - Australia 1^st Test

Saturday to Wednesday (ha, ha!) daily at 11:45 – 19:30

Tennis             French Open

From Monday daily at 12:30 – 21:00