An Indian burglar in Dubai was escaping across the rooftops when he crashed through a particularly fragile one and landed in bed with a Pakistani couple whom the report coyly described as 'enjoying a moment of intimacy'.

After their recent defeat at the hands of their sub-continental neighbours, I should imagine the couple would be thinking "that's just not cricket"!

SUPERLATIVE 12

The Super 12 organisers couldn’t have planned a more intriguing and unpredictable series of results if they’d tried. Last weekend defending champions Auckland Blues lost what may have been their last chance of clawing a way back into contention when the Stormers made nonsense of the old saw that the S. African sides are no good on the road, by thrashing their hosts 51-23 to grab second place just 2 points behind the temporarily resting Brumbies. Fellow countrymen the Bulls shaded the Queensland Reds in a lacklustre encounter to keep their challenge very much alive, and sink any remaining hopes that the Reds were entertaining. Meanwhile the Natal Sharks maintained a 2-point lead over the Chiefs despite losing to them in a close and thrilling match. Beaten 2003 finalists Crusaders have quietly been overcoming a poor start to the season and find themselves in third spot, although this week’s full quota of points was only achieved by a last gasp penalty against a Cats side that made a mockery of their bottom position by recovering from a 36-6 deficit to briefly take the lead, after Crusaders had substituted their big guns, supposedly sure that the match was in the bag!. The remaining side of the seven prime contenders are the Waratahs who dealt a probably fatal blow to the Hurricanes.

Just three rounds of league matches are left, to be played in full sets of 6 over each of the next 3 weekends, followed by semis and final on the following 2 weeks. What a cracking prospect.

The Open de Sevilla was a strange affair in many ways. The course itself had only recently been returned to playable condition after major works to re-vamp it for the World Cup event in November this year. Although players were allowed relief from the many imperfections, and the standard of the golf didn’t seem to suffer, it was disconcerting to see a European Tour event being played on what looked like a poorly maintained municipal layout! My Spanish geography isn’t exactly in the expert category, but I believe that Sevilla is indeed on the plain, and the wet weather on the first day supported that analysis. It did clear up thereafter, but we were never treated to the degree of sunshine that one might expect at this time of year. Then we had a winner, Gonzales, who managed miraculously to pluck a winning performance from the debris of a driving display that even Mark Thatcher would have disowned. In the third round he didn’t hit a single fairway from the tee, and yet topped the leaderboard! The funereal pace of play (5 hours 20 minutes for the final 3-ball on day 4) may well have been attributable to a combination of the countless relief situations claimed and the extra deliberation that Gonzales needed in order to work out how to extricate himself from the incredible positions into which he put himself!

Man U must really be looking forward to the FA Cup final, as it’s the only light on their horizon at present. In a February match Paul Scholes (whose intensity propels him into such situations all too often) pushed an opponent in the face and has just been handed a 3-match ban, despite Fergie’s blatant attempt to pervert the course of justice by firing a pre-emptive broadside that would do whingeing Wenger proud, claiming that United are always treated more harshly than other teams in such circumstances. The potential loss of Scholes during the crucial end-of-season run-in was thrown into even sharper relief when Portsmouth handed United a surprising defeat at Fratton Park on Saturday, courtesy of a 36^th minute goal that presaged a desperate, but ultimately successful defensive rearguard action to keep out continuous waves of Red attacks. Thus, for the last half of the game Pompey manager Harry Redknapp, who appears to have a nervous tic at the best of times, stood on the touchline twitching away like a battery-powered toy rabbit with an intermittent connection.

Cricket has continued to provide absorbing headlines both on and off the pitch. England managed to comfortably hold out for a draw in the 4^th Test against Windies after Lara’s record innings, with captain Vaughan notching up a century. Their one-day campaign had a soggy start with a cancelled warm-up match, and the first of the series proper had a delayed start, but that didn’t seem to affect Gough who was raring to go, and claimed Gayle’s scalp in his 3^rd over. Windies eventually posted a semi-respectable score thanks to Chanderpaul suddenly emerging from a self-imposed hibernation to hammer 84. England’s response reached a healthy 60-1 before an all-too-familiar collapse occurred. They eventually scrambled home with 3 balls to spare but with newcomer Strauss posting the highest individual score of 29 it was far from convincing.

The India – Pakistan Test series came to a contentious end with the visitors thumping Pakistan by an innings and 131 runs, a result that prompted all sorts of claims and accusations of failures and lack of commitment within the Pakistani camp. I also read that at the final Test the local chief of police was censured for failing to assign appropriate protocol to a visiting dignitary. So after all the euphoria and backslapping about the successful conduct of the historic tour, it’s back to the usual bickering, without which cricket on the sub-continent would be infinitely less entertaining!

Finally we come to the sad saga in Zimbabwe. The gang-of-14 actually turned out to be 15 when the names were revealed following the submission of their letter to the ZCU. These white players have all declared themselves unavailable for selection, and are being threatened with permanent exclusion. Consequently for the first match of the one-day series against Sri Lanka today, the Zimbabweans are fielding a second-string team of whom only 4 have played at international level before. Needless to say the squad is almost exclusively black. Furthermore 3 of the prominent black players have now declared support for the rebels, and are hinting at strike action themselves. The discussions at Lords today were primarily aimed at the ZCU persuading England not to pull out of the tour for ‘political’ reasons, but I should think there would now be a good case for saying that it would be a waste of money to send a squad to play against the second-string team of a country that, despite promising progress, has still not completely justified its elevation to Test status. At best England could decide to send a reserve team themselves, and that would render the whole thing meaningless.

MotoGP biking is back with a bang. The season’s opening round at S. Africa’s Welkom circuit saw champion Rossi in his first outing for Yamaha, to whom he transferred after a couple of dominating seasons with Honda. Omens were not good based on Yamaha’s recent lack of success and concerns over an untried machine. Nevertheless Rossi had managed to claim pole, and he got off to a good start that immediately pitted him against Biaggi, whose Honda, and personal pedigree, were expected to make him favourite. Thus began what could be a cracking year of duels between the two. They were literally wheel-to-wheel throughout the 28 laps, and swapped the lead many times before Rossi squeezed out a fractionally larger gap on the last lap, and came home just 0.21 seconds ahead. It is now universally accepted that although the bike was demonstrably better than the somewhat pessimistic pre-race claims, the crucial factor was Rossi’s ability to shake it into contention. The equivalent scenario in Formula 1 would be Schumacher challenging Williams from the seat of a Jaguar. Fat chance of that happening, but full marks to Rossi for a brave decision that has immeasurably enlivened the MotoGP championship.

Is women’s tennis falling apart? Or to be more precise, are the players falling apart? Serena, Henin-H, Mauresmo and Clijsters were all either missing from or retired from the latest WTA event through injury/fatigue. The men’s tour isn’t immune either, although there must be a suspicion that the absence of a large number of Americans from Monaco this week may have its real roots in security concerns. The sudden withdrawal of sponsorship for those tournaments that don’t entice the big names to make the effort could prove damaging to the whole professional game.

Well done to 36-year-old Tracey Morris who battled the miserable conditions in London on Sunday to complete only her second marathon, knocking a full hour off her previous time, and incredibly coming home ahead of every other British woman to claim an Olympic berth. She now has to pray that the Greeks perform some kind of modern day miracle and actually get things ready for the Games to take place. It is reported that the IOC is seeking £100 million cancellation insurance but can’t find any takers. In normal insurance circles that would mean that the actuaries don’t think it’s a sound risk, i.e. the chance of paying out is too high!

A nod of sympathy for Olivier de Kersauson who is creaming up the Atlantic, and within about a week of completing his round-the-world bid. He’s progressing at about the same pace as Fossett did in this stretch, but is unfortunately just over 3 days behind the latter’s benchmark schedule, and as Fossett had no really slow days from there to the finish, there is simply no way that Kersauson can catch up. I bet he’s consoling himself with plans for his next bid.

ON THE LIGHTER SIDE

The internal bickering over Pakistan’s loss to India was typified by columnist Omar Kureishi who wrote;

“Pakistan's batsmen were determined to do it their way, which was to compete against one another on who was the more irresponsible."

The Open de Sevilla spawned a number of quotable quotes this week, primarily regarding the wayward exploits of Argentinean winner Ricardo Gonzales.

When it looked like a play-off might be needed;
“If he was driving to the practice ground, he’d miss it on the right.”

As he screwed yet another drive 50 yards off line;
“Do you know what’s over there on the right hand side?”

“Yes, Portugal!”

As the chunky Emanuele Canonica gave a powerhouse driving display in round 3;
“If I owned a nightclub I’d want him on the door.”

Second round leader Monasterio was really riding his luck in round 3;
“If he was a cat he’d be dead by now.”

Describing the soggy scene in the first round;
“It’s more like Solihull than Sevilla.”

Faint praise for the Crusaders fly-half Daniel Carter as he muscles over for a try against the Cats;
“He’s a bandy-legged, pigeon-toed fellow who’s very hard to tackle.”

Rugby is big in S. Africa, and so are the crowds, many of whom are families. Hence coverage of Super 12 matches played there includes many shots of the spectators, who naturally have become used to this, and play to the cameras with an endless variety of clothing and actions. You can therefore imagine the fun that the cameramen had during the Sharks – Chiefs match last weekend, as the commentators mentioned that it was National Cleavage Day!

Tiger’s continued ‘slump’ has generated some column inches of comment from fellow pros, almost all of whom would be grateful for such a performance, including Charles Howell III;
“Statistics can be as useful as an ashtray on a motorbike.”

I guess the Cold War really is over. British and American forces announced that a nuclear sub from each country had surfaced near the North Pole and the crews were going to engage in a football match and the ‘mother of all snowball fights’. “Coo-ee Ivan, we’re over here!”

Does this qualify as unwarranted coercion that would invalidate a UN-observed election? A Greek Cypriot bishop has told his flock that they will not make it to heaven if they vote in favour of re-unification in the forthcoming referendum.

The Friday magazine of our wonderful local newspaper The Gulf News carried a story about a new profession that has sprung up. Economic factors have driven many service sector companies in the West to transfer their call centre activities to India. It seems that public acceptance of this move depends partially upon feeling comfortable with the person on the other end of the line, and consequently the centres are now employing ‘Voice and Accent Trainers’ to change a Mumbai accent into a Texan one, or make a Kerala resident sound as if he came from Manchester. So much emphasis is being placed on this incidental factor that I wonder if anyone is taking care of another point which I would have thought was much more fundamental, namely to actually learn something about the subject matter? Is anyone teaching these people how to get from Golders Green to Earl’s Court without having to change twice?

ON THE BOX  
(All live on Supersport; Abu Dhabi timings; GMT +4)

Rugby             Super 12 Round 9

Friday              11:15            Chiefs – Stormers
Saturday           09:10            Crusaders – Bulls
                        11:30            Highlanders – Hurricanes
                        13:35            Waratahs – Brumbies
                       16:45            Sharks – Reds
                        19:00            Cats – Blues 

Golf            Canarias Open de Espana from Fuerteventura

Thu/Fri 18:00 – 21:00
Saturday            16:00 – 19:00
Sunday 18:00 – 19:30 

Golf     Shell Houston Open

Thursday            24:00
Friday              23:15
Sat/Sun            23:00 

Formula 1            San Marino GP

Friday              16:00 – 17:15            Practice 2
Saturday            11:00 – 12:00            Practice 3
                        12:00 – 13:15            Practice 4
                        14:45 – 17:15            Qualifying
Sunday 15:30            Race

Football            English Premiership

Saturday            17:30            Man U – Liverpool
                        19:00            Leicester – Man City
Sunday 14:00            Leeds – Portsmouth
                        16:30            Newcastle – Chelsea
                        19:00            Spurs – Arsenal 

Football            Champions League Semi-final 1^st leg

Wednesday            22:00            FC Porto – Deportivo La Coruna

Tennis             Masters Series from Monaco

Wed/Thu            12:00 – 20:00
Friday              13:30 – 21:30   QFs
Saturday            16:00 – 21:00   SFs
Sunday 16:30 – 20:30   Final

  Cricket            Windies – England One-Day Series

Saturday            17:30 – 01:30   Match 2
Sunday 17:15 – 01:30   Match 3 

Cricket            Zimbabwe – S. Lanka One-Day Series

Thursday            11:15 – 19:30   Match 2
Sunday 11:15 – 19:30   Match 3
Tuesday (27^th)            11:15 – 19:30   Match 4